My struggle with BDD

by charlie · July 11, 2018

I don’t have bulimia, anorexia or extreme symptoms but I do have body dysmorphic disorder. I’ve had it most of my adult life however I have been struggling more with it over the last few years.

I’ve gained weight over the last few years. I have PCOS which caused a minor hormone imbalance that causes weight gain. I also had some lymphatic system and liver issues which caused my efforts for weight loss to not work. I am also getting older.

I don’t have depression. I don’t have anxiety. I have BDD.

I obsess over my body and how much I dislike it. I will no longer wear a bathing suit in front of people. I don’t like to wear shorts. I don’t wear strapless tops. I don’t like to show my arms.

I don’t like how fat my face has gotten. I have chubbier cheeks and a double chin.

I hate all pictures of myself.

All of these issues cause roadblocks in my life.

Streaming on Twitch, posting videos to Youtube opens my insecurities up to the world to be blasted. I’m working on how I react to the trolls but the hardest part of it is when I want to curl into a ball and not leave my bed due to the self-hatred.

I started streaming for my love of games and I found a great bunch of streamers I enjoy watching/interacting with. However due to some of the trolls over the last few weeks, I decided to step back a bit from streaming due to this and I’ll be on and off as I work through my issues.